Humans have a big cluster of dead keratin tendrils growing from our heads and we arrange them in different configurations and worry about whether other people find our keratin tendril arrangements aesthetically pleasing.
I show affection for my pets by holding them against me and whispering I love you repeatedly as they struggle to escape from my arms
THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD IS WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS U CHIPS AND U REACH IN THE BAG BUT U CAN’T GET A HOLD OF A CHIP AND U START SWEATIN’ AND PEOPLE ARE STARING CUZ U CAN’T GET HOLD OF A GODDAMN CHIP AND THEN CHILDREN ARE SCREAMING AND U HEAR GUNSHOTS AND BUILDINGS START COLLAPSING BUT U STILL. CAN’T. GET. A. CHIP.
learning to truly not hate anyone, even the most terrible monsters of humanity, has made me vastly happier and stable.
rage and anger are necessary expressions but hatred as an extended emotion and thought has very little value.
[lawyer voice] the prosecution makes a compelling argument, but have you considered this *puts middle finger up*
have u ever been around a really hot girl and u had to remind yourself to contain the gay
once i had a dream that my cat was working at mcdonalds w/ me and she had a lil uniform and she kept getting fur in the fries and everyone was yelling at me and saying “ur cat sucks on fries” and i was like “shes just a cat give her a break!” and i woke up crying
shout out to water for keeping my throat sufficiently lubricated for optimal yodeling techniques
I smoked one alcohol and my left arm fell off
Im a fun person ok but whenever someone cute talks to me i turn into a fucking raisin
One time I was on a rollercoaster and a guy’s hat fell off during one of the loops but he caught it when we were right side up again, and i have to go my whole life knowing I’ll never be as cool as that guy.
*Pretends you secretly think about me*